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| i found out last night that after a year of being sober, my father is drinking again.
he went to a neurologist this past monday... and he found out that his drinking has done irreparable damage to his brain.
basically, in his own words, he has fried his brain.
and he's reconvinced that he's dieing.
and thus, he picked up the bottle.
I am well aware of the fact that there is truly nothing I can do about this... but that doesn't change the feelings of helplessness and anger.
and i don't really know what to do about it.
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| so.... I have as of late been afflicted with "lesbian" dreams.
Allow me to explain.
My lesbian dreams consist of something that could be generically described closeness. There is really nothing inappropriate in my dreams. Some hugging, perhaps some spooning... and then i wake up.
In and of themselves... my dreams are actually quite hilarious. Both because I am having lesbian and dreams... and because my subconscious is convinced that all lesbians do is snuggle.
However... i think the reason I am having these dreams goes deeper than that.
I have tried really hard not to screw up while here at school. I am certainly not perfect... and I've made mistakes, but I've managed to keep the same friends for the past 3 years. (considering my track record from majority of my friends from before college, this is fairly incredible) however, in order to hide the character defects that drive people away from me... I've had to put up some walls. I think my subconscious has been longing for someone that I feel like I could truly be honest with... 100%. On the most basic human level... I think my body is dying to be held.
However, if I ever admit this to these friends i've managed to keep... i would come off as the worlds largest hypocrite. Heidi... the one whom everyone can come to to be held... doesn't trust any of you enough to come to you.
The picture perfect "Christian" in me knows the response to this issue: this is when you let Christ hold you.
--- and don't get me wrong... I do believe that there is great truth to that. It's just figuring out what it is I have to do to get there that leaves me stumbling and running back into myself.
which, consequently enough, manifests itself in my "lesbian" dreams.
and i find myself with the same quandary i started with.
ah well.
such is life at a liberal arts womens college.
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| dear friends-
for those of you who read my previous post-- my apologies.
every now and again... I feel like i'm just going to explode... and for some reason, at those moments, i turn to Xanga.
For the record... I am actually really happy. I was just ever so slightly surprised by a picture.
also, for the record, now that the picture has been seen... I am FINALLY moving past it all.
so... don't sweat it friends. I'm cool. :)
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| Also known as... the summer de lameness.
I realize that even posting this is admitting to lameness... but i felt like the list deserves to be posted somewhere... especially since I went to the trouble of compiling it. :)
so... without further to do, here are the films of 2008.
National Secret 2: Book of Secrets*
Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian (3)*
Ms. Pettigrew Lives for a Day*
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of Crystal Skull*
The Spiderwick Chronicles*
Music Within
I Am Legend
Dreamgirls
The Andromeda Strain
Brokedown Palace
Accepted
Popstar
Across the Universe
The Fall (2)*
For Your Consideration
The Untouchables
The Interpreter
The Number 23
Lucky You
Gattaca
Cinderella 3
Happy Feet (2)
Hancock*
Ratatouille
The Happening*
Penelope (3)
The Dark Night (2)*
Batman: Gotham Night
Iron Man (2)*
The Little Mermaid 2: Return to the Sea
Mulan 2
The Swan Princess 2
The Swan Princess 3
Confessions of an Ugly Stepsister
Ocean's 13
In Bruges
Alvin and the Chipmunks
Journey to the Center of the Earth
Nanny McPhee
Quid Pro Quo
21
27 Dresses
Coyote Ugly
Enchanted
The Lake House
Music and Lyrics
Practical Magic
two weeks notice
Shrek the Third
The Road to El Dorado
The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe
Stardust
High School Musical
High School Musical 2
Hairspray
Ella Enchanted
The Sound of Music
Cinderella
Batman Begins
The Little Mermaid
Sleeping Beauty
Mulan
The Swan Princess
Beauty and the Beast
Hercules
Thumbelina
Catch and Release
The Mummy Returns
the starred entries were seen in theaters.
the numbers in parentheses are the amount of times I repeated a film.
the films after the break were films that i had seen previous to this summer.
and yes... i know it's sad.
--heidi
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| So... I decided not to go to church this morning. Partly because I don't have a church at the moment... and partly because I needed the sleep, and didn't have the energy to go find one today.
So, I decided instead to pick up my Bible and see what little morsel it had for me. I started with an arbitrary bookmark that I don't remember marking, which lead me to Matthew 16:17. (Matthew 16:17 is when Peter correctly identifies Jesus as the Christ, and Jesus sings his praises. Maybe not actually sings... though he would sing if they made "the bible... the musical...) Anyways, as I continued reading, we get to the moment when Jesus calls Peter Satan and tells him to get behind him.
However, it's the next passage that I'm dwelling on this morning:
"Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it."
And I've found myself wondering this: what is the cross that i must bear? and am I bearing it? At first I thought that maybe my cross is everyones cross... which is the hardships of being a christian in this day and age. But the more I wanted that to be the case, the less likely it seemed. Our God is such a personal God... why would he give us a generic burden?
I suppose this is my ultimate conundrum. How does the cross that we bear correspond with the dreams in our hearts? I've always believed that the deepest desires in my heart were a gift from God... (Psalm 37:4 - Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart) Lately though, I've wondered if true delight in the Lord means that I have to be willing to let go of what I strive for. And then, every time I think that, another door that was previously locked, barred, and sealed shut swings wide open for me.
And so I'm back where I started. I've always felt that while I'm not the best Christian... I am always trying to get closer. I yearn to be the person who walks with God so closely that it's evident in every single thing I do. but what if that's not enough? | | |
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